Monday, July 18, 2011


  In the land of the retarded, he who thinks shall be looked down upon.  Welcome to motherfucking [company name omitted], where dreams go to die!

 You know that episode of the Twilight Zone where the guy wakes up and he's the same, but everyone else in the entire world is different? ....Well, you know every episode of the Twilight Zone? That is what has become of my daily work life. I honestly believe that, had there never been an Einstein, I could actually walk into that god-forsaken fuckin tard farm and break down the theory of relativity in great detail and my store manager wouldn't hesitate to make a blatant low-vocab comment about what an idiot I am and then cut both my pay and hours, but if any one of the other managers walks in, points to a purple bag and announces, "THIS RED!" she would be showered in praise and probably offered a raise while getting a motherfucking shiatzu.
  The dummies that inhabit this godless shithole are absolutely dimmer than no other, but in comparison, they shine like tin foil to a simple bitch once one EXCEPTIONAL snot brained dipshit opens the door. SWEET FUCKING CHRIST!!!! She, who shall remain nameless (it's currently my day off so I'd prefer to save my cerebral cortex from any further blood vessels bursting from the thought of her name), is  by far & away THE stupidest person (without an actual clinical mental disorder) that I have ever encountered in my entire life! I've met dummies before, but [name omitted] takes the tard cake like no other. No words can possibly do justice for just how fucking vacant this bitch's head is. [name omitted] needs to be locked up in a university somewhere to be studied for future generations to come! No Joke. No exaggeration. Dumber than a bucket of monkey spunk! Words like dumb, stupid, dense, dim, retarded, moronic, idiotic, etc. do absolutely NOTHING to describe [name omitted]. A whole new word needs to be concocted just to even begin some sort of definition for this IQ level (or lack there of). She is more than enough to show even the pope, himself, that there is either no God at all, or that if there is, he is a complete fucking sadist! I can actually feel my knowledge of things like the alphabet, multiplication tables, how to ride a bike, etc. evaporating out of my ear like useless vapor as she speaks.
  I realize that the descriptions that I have put out on the table thus far may seem "out there," "far-fetched," maybe even unbelievable. I realize this. That is precisely the reason why I'd like to lay out a few prime examples of the countless accounts of mind-numbing mummalardium (<--I made that up!) that I have to deal with daily! So, please, before moving forward, make sure that you're strapped into your rubber helmet and have something soft in your mouth to keep you from severing your tongue or breaking your teeth. It hurts.

  She tells me to move something on the shelf, I say, "I cannot." She says, "The reason being?" I respond, "I have no hands." After a look of head-cocked confusion similar to that of a puppy when you blow a dog whistle, she ACTUALLY looks down at my hands and with a look of enlightened realization says, "Oh, you!"

  For Xmas, she (a manager, mind you) buys a bunch of the minor aged employees bottles of wine. When told that she could get in a lot of trouble for buying 18 & 19-year-old employees alcohol, she responds "Well, no! You only have to be 21 to be in bars, not to drink. They're over 18. I'm not THAT stupid!" I say, "No, you have to be that age in a bar BECAUSE they serve alcohol." She says, "Nuh-uhh! Oh, man! I didn't know that!"

  She says, "Do you have any gum or candy?" I answer, "No, I actually don't eat candy OR chew gum." She replies, "But do you have any?" I repeat myself & add, "Why would I have any if I don't eat the shit?!?" Soon after, she finds some candy in the office & when she comes out with it, she announces to me, "I found some candy back there! Do you want some?" "NO, GODFUCKINGDAMMIT! I DON'T FUCKING EAT FUCKING CANDY!!!!"  She then comes back with, "Well, I didn't know! Geeze!"

 She was trying to convince me that vampires and witches exist. I tell her, "Well, no. There's people that practice vampyrism and there's people that practice witchcraft, but the actual beings don't really exist. There's a difference."  She stands firmly (and sorta jiggly), "No! They're REAL!!"  I humor her, "Okay, we live in one of the most densely populated tourist cities in the world (Vegas). There's ALL types here. I want you to go out there into the mall or walk down there to the strip and bring me back a motherfuckin' vampire. I work 'til 7. It'll be dark. I'll wait."  She replies, "Silly. They wouldn't hang out there!"  "What the fuck?? Where the fuck would they hang out then??"  "I dunno! Besides, How do you know they're fake anyway?"  I grumble, "The fuckin' Tooth Fairy told me."  And she actually says in what sounded to me like a tone of disbelief, "She did not!"
  I can't go on. It's too painful to my thinking parts, but there it is. That is just a mere taste of just a few of the most recent "conversations' with [name omitted]. She really exists. She is not a myth. She is not an imaginary figment. I, children, have to deal with this jiggly blob of dumbfuck everytime I go to work. I don't want pity. No, save the pity. Just understand. Understand why I detest going into work with every single ounce of my very being. Has your intellect ever actually been injured? Do you know how loud an embolism sounds when it explodes in your head? No? Talk to the bitch. FUCKING TALK TO HER! And you, too, will know. You, too, will see my dismay. Tell the townsfolk and warn the children! She's out there!

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