Sunday, July 24, 2011

Ol' Uncle Adam Goes To The Movies!: "Sucker Punch"

Sucker Punch Poster Movie Style I (11 x 17 Inches - 28cm x 44cm) Jamie Chung Carla Gugino Jon Hamm Vanessa Hudgens Emily Browning Movie MasterPoster Print, 14x11Girl Interrupted Meets The Spartans in The Matrix. Soooo, all that shitty girl-power cheesy action shit really just meant the bitch was doin some shitty dance? What kinda shit is that? The magnitude of this shitty movie's utter shittiness knows no bounds. Adam disapproves. I normally enjoy a little plot or character development in the movies I watch and this steamin heap of chick shit is a prime example of why.
"I have an idea! Let's remake Spice World and have the guy that made The Legends Of Ga'fuckinHoole direct it. Yeah, people like gratuitous slow motion ninja flips and strippers! Let's have all of our overly stylized flips be for absolutely no fucking reason and let's make it so that none of the strippers ever take their clothes off. Yeah, that makes sense! It shows that they have integrity or some shit. Don't forget to give them all stupid names that make no fucking sense and, for kicks, we'll throw in that girl from High School Musical who flashed her pubes on the internet that one time. Hey! What's Scott Glenn doing these days? You think he might have time to play a character that isn't real who ends up playing a real guy at the end like one of them mind-blowing Shyamalan twists? Yeah, people are fucking stupid. They'll love it. Maybe we can litter all of his scenes with cliche old samurai master advice so that people will think he's deep and quote him on their Facebook posts! Oh, the people will pour in by the masses for it! Not only will they pay for it, but we can charge an extra $5 for them to wear uncomfortable goggles while we make a fun little gimmick out of throwing random shit at the camera for no fuckin reason! Brilliant! Fuck you, America!"
Well, fuck you, Mr. Zack Snyder. Fuck you very much. I thought you had something going for you after 300, Watchmen, and your pretty decent remake of Dawn Of The Dead (I'll overlook the Owl movie. C'mon, he tried for the kids!), but now I see you're just another Hollywood whore. They turned out Joe Carnahan, even Kevin Smith turned to flippin tricks with Cop Out...and now you too can hang your jersey on the wall of director's that had so much to offer, but went to the dark side. Tell Michael Bay I said "Hi," you money-grubbin bitch.

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