Wednesday, August 1, 2012

The 17+ Top Reasons Why Christopher Nolan Can Suck My Dick For Buttfucking Me With...THE DARK KNIGHT RISES (**Contains spoilers. Duh, dipshit.)

~Why not instead of tying the rope around your waist (which btw should break your back every time you fall) just CLIMB THE ROPE TO FREEDOM?!   BUT as we learned in the movie, you can heal a broken spine by hanging from a rope around your armpits so giving your freshly healed back a 50mph jerk from the sky is probably the proper aftercare step. Also, kidney punches fix broken spines.

~While Bats & the cat are in the middle of a circle of heavily armed thugs that are each politely taking turns runnin into the circle to get their asses kicked like a low budget 70's kung fu flick instead of just shooting them in the face, they decide to pause real quick & have a witty little exchange about no guns/no killing.

~When they reveal that police officer John Blake's real name is Robin to insinuate that he's gonna be Robin even though Robin's real name was NEVER really Robin? You know...DICK GRAYSON?! The never-a-cop circus performer! Yeah. That guy.

~A giant man with an armed posse bursts into wall street and does all these exchanges to disrupt the financial institutions. Why don't they just cancel the transactions, or not approve them on account of them being put through by a giant man with an armed posse.

~Or that the cops decide to let a giant man with an armed posse go because it's much more relevant to go after a guy who is impossible to catch that's been missing for 8 years and is much more equipped to stop a giant man with an armed posse.

~How about sending EVERY SINGLE OFFICER IN TOWN to the same underground location at once.

~Or having over 3,000 officers trapped underground for over 3 months and then having each and every one of them come out cleanly shaven because I'm sure personal grooming is topping priorities when you're stuck with a bunch of dudes crapping in the same place you sleep shoulder to shoulder.

~The prison in a hole in the middle of nowhere has out-of-country cable TV.

~Do we even dare touch on the fusion bomb?  Oh, that just takes a dude three minutes to turn into a devastating weapon of mass destruction. It's cool. He's a nuclear physicist. 3 minutes tops. No problem. Never mind.

~Never mind the impending tsunami or fallout likely to turn Gotham into a city of Chernobyl zombies. You know...from the six mile nuclear blast going off within eyeshot just a few hundred yards away over the top of the surface of the water?

~Bane makes it a point to talk about how he was born and raised in the darkness of that pit to prove that he's adapted to it even though the pit has no ceiling because its design is to instill false hope in the prisoners by constantly showing them the sky and then finding out that Talia Al Ghul was the only child ever born there.

~Let's not forget that the end of that movie Batman had gotten shanked most egregiously in the lung, with a twist. So along with that, a broken back and no knees he still can walk, fight and mange to operate a flying wind-plane.

~Alfred apparently turned to vapor during the attack on Gotham until it was all over and he decided to make couple quick cameos at the end with the most hard-to-look-at crying face I've seen since the last time I saw anything with Julianne Moore and then an oh-so-thought-provoking Inceptiony ending that implies that he's either back to his creepy Florence fantasies of of Christian Bale's protruding IMAX eye mole or that Bruce Wayne somehow escaped a NUCLEAR BLAST and decided to hideout right out in the open with Ms. ain't-got-shit-on-Michelle-Pfeiffer with his super billionaire celebrity most-recognizable-in-the-DC-Universe face.

~Minor petty point since we're on a roll: How does Bane eat and drink anyway? Or shave. Dude's bald. Clean bald. And no chemo. Dude's got eyebrows.

~It takes Gordon a thirty year old vague quote to finally put the pieces together, BUT it only takes a Bruce Wayne smile for a young orphan John Blake to figure out the biggest secret Gotham has that NOBODY EVER ELSE COULD even though BATMAN NEVER SMILES!!!

~Maybe we can talk about whatever dick asked Tom Hardy what Sean Connery would sound like as a carnival barker with a Vader mask on. No? OK. Moving on then....

~AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE: How Bruce Wayne climbed out of that pit out in the middle of some far off desert all filthy & broken with absolutely nothing and then magically emerges from the shadows in another part of the globe in less than a day all cleanly groomed in the center of Gotham which was on complete lockdown from Bane who also took time out of his carefully scheduled master plan to escort a crippled Wayne across the world just to give him a speech on false hope instead of just having his goombas dump his limp body down there. Bruce Wayne had no money, no ID, no bat crap, dude didn't even have Alfred anymore, but somehow not only managed to travel the world in record time and get into the country without being able to so much as identify himself, but also got into a town with no bridges across a frozen bay with a knee that magically healed since he was gimping on it in the beginning because I'm sure Bane let him stay in the prison with his magic Gump brace so he could walk normally once the old guy right-hooked his vertebrae back into place while dangling like a holocaust piƱata. Now that's crack writing.

I gotta admit....before I saw Dark Knight Rises, I would see posts from those that saw it who would say how corny or cheesy or whatever other derogative food term they'd use to describe it and I thought "Wow. You must be dumb. You probably didn't get it. There's no way. Nope. You're dumb. That's the only thing that makes sense here." Well, I'm here to say now that I would like to apologize to those that I thought that about. I know I already posted about my utter disgust with the sheer negligence of that movie's "writing," but the more I think about it, the more issues arise in my mind about it. I almost want to see it again just to spot the other obvious mistakes and gaping holes they failed to spackle in that I may have missed in my distracted state from focusing so hard on not screaming in protest in the middle of the theater. I can't think of the last time I was so disappointed in a film. Finally seeing it was like finally getting to bone your #1 dream girl and finding out she's a dude. Years of teasers of her batting her eyelashes at you, leaning over too far to expose a little butt crack, driving you wild, she lets you come over, you're ready, this is it, and as you sit there hard as a rock, she shoves her hand down your pants. Here we go! Finally, right! Then you start to notice the subtle feelings of slight calluses around you, your eyes wander to an Adam's that stubble? Fuck! What's happening? This can't be! And then some random character is implied to be a future Robin and you feel her thrust her big fat dick in your ass. So much anticipation...So many expectations....and then...Dick. You got dicked. I got dicked. It happened just the day before yesterday and yet, it still won't leave my head. Dick. Fuckin dick, man.