Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Ol' Uncle Adam Goes To The Movies!: "Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes"

Rise of the Planet of the Apes Framed Poster Movie 11 x 17 Inches - 28cm x 44cm   I've never really been the guy to get all wet over summer movie blockbuster regurgitated action crap. Transformers: We've been there. Harry Potter: Damn, still? Avatar: Fucking hated it with a hot fiery passion. I could list off countless more beautiful embarrassments, but I think you smell what I'm squirtin here. As an admitted viewer of movies I shouldn't have at home yet, I have to admit that I'm glad that I actually went and paid to go see this (aside from the fact that the theater I went to had assigned seating. What the fuck kinda shit is that? I'm a grown ass man! I don't want some lil 15 year old tweeny-bop bitch telling me where to park my ass. FUCK YOU RAVE THEATERS. Whatever. Sorry. Anyway...)
I walked into Rise with the expectation of a dumbed-down remake of an old B-movie with prettier special effects. Fuck that! This movie blew me away. I'll even get corny on you for a second and say that I may have paid for my whole seat, but I only used the edge (hardy-fuckin-har). I was expecting a bunch of Jumanji style monkeys causin some mischief, but that's not it. The effects in this movie were some of the best I've ever seen. Sure, Avatar was a pretty bitch, but she was dumb as fuck so I think that took away from some of the beauty for me. This movie has the best motion capture CGI in my book, considering that our hero has some amazing fuckin acting chops for a star that was completely manufactured. The expressions on this monkey's face really get you emotionally charged to follow along with him. He's a fuckin badass! Can't really say much for the human actors in the flick. They all came stock with pretty flat, cliché performances with the exception of John Lithgow, who always plays a perfect psycho or retard. The human roles aren't necessary though. The CG apes here do more than enough to carry this film & get the audience pumped for the inter-species showdown at the finale.
Don't be afraid to bring the kiddie-winkies along either. I took my 7 year old to see it and the only questionable things I didn't feel comfortable with him seeing were some of the scary and racy rated R trailers before the film. The actual movie just had some stylized action violence. He dug the shit out of it.
As far as movies go, I'll throw a 7/10 on here, but as far as cheesy glorified B-movie action doodoo goes, this fine ass bitch gets herself a 10+/10. Go...see it now.

P.S.: If you go and see The Smurfs instead, you're a total fag. Not a stick-a-dick-in-me-I'm-gay Matthew Shepherd bigotry kinda fag, but a you-should-be-punched-in-the-face-every-morning-when-you-wake-up-nobody-likes-you-you-have-no-taste kinda fag.

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