Alright. I'm back. Sorry, for the delay. I keep getting sidetracked by epic side projects. I told myself I wasn't gonna sell out anymore with these reviews, but your Ol' Uncle Adam's gotta eat, so here's this new one. I was sick of turnin' my brain to old mayonnaise with these soft serve doodoo summer blockbusters, so I figured I'd see what's new & exciting on this indie scene. I checked out a few new hot ones, but I'm gonna tell you about this creepy sack of...ummm....fun(?) cuz it's the last one I just watched so it's still bakery-fresh in the old noodle.
OK. Anyway...So Annie is our "star" in this one. She's this little 14 year old annoying broad that meets 16 year old Charlie in a teen chat room. They chat all day, every day. They really start feeling each other. Young love and shit...Blah blah blah yadda yadda.... But wait! Charlie has a secret. He's not a high school junior at all. He's actually a 20 year old college sophomore. Annie forgives his dishonesty and completely overlooks the fact that this dude is obviously a sexually deprived loser. Whatever. Oh, wait...what? Charlie's got a new secret: He's actually a 25 year old grad student. He apologizes. Dumb bitch accepts. You get the point. One day, Annie's parents, Catherine Keener & Clive Owen, leave town. YAY! Now we can meet Charlie! She meets this motherfucker at the mall and dude looks like a malnourished Rowdy Rowdy Piper with AIDS. No joke. Dude's like 40 & hasn't shaved for a week. Does Annie care? She should, right? Well, that wouldn't make for much of a movie. No. This bitch cares about this minor detail for about 2.5 seconds before she runs off with this slimy fuck & shares some ice cream with his ass. Then dude buys her a bra & bones her at a Motel 6 at like 3:00 in the afternoon. Then in classic guy-fashion, Chuckie-boy stops answering the dumb broad's calls & emails. Whatever. You can guess how the rest of the tale goes. Mom & Dad find out. Dad's pissed. Mom's confused. FBI can't find shit. Annie wants to protect the love of her dumb life. Blah blah blah. Throughout this whole movie, you just wanna drop kick your TV into the ceiling fan in hopes that this little dumb whore can feel the shit slappin' across her dumb slut face while her parents walk around crying & not doin' shit for an hour. It's frustrating as fuck. No lie. The little bitch is fuckin' retarded as shit. You wanna shake her like a newborn step-kid that's not yours.
Did I mention who directed this star-crossed romance? Yeah, this is David Schwimmer's first time rockin' the big head set in the black folding chair. Yup. The guy that had the outbreak monkey on Friends came out the directing gate with this one here. I'm not saying the movie's terrible. No. The directing style really isn't bad and the acting is pretty on point. Good performances do a little to help the same story that your uncle read to you a million times before when your parents were out of town. It's really like a Monday afternoon showing of a LifeTime Original with a few Oscar nominees thrown in the mix cuz I guess Victoria Principal & Muriel Hemingway needed a day off from being domestically abused by Patrick Duffy and date-raped by Anthony Michael Hall.
Not the worst, but not that great either. I'll slap a 5/10 on this freshman attempt from Ross fuckin' Gellar.