Friday, April 27, 2012


With me retiring my jersey from the game for the long haul, I've decided to pass on my invaluable knowledge to those that can still put it to some use. I'm tired of surfin through my Facebook feed and reading status after sappy fuckin status of grown ass men boo-hooing over some bitch breaking their heart. So, I decided to help these poor, naive bastards flip the tables on these sluts with a few helpful tips from your Ol' Uncle Adam. I present to you....THE ADAM SMITH DOUCHEBAG STRATEGY GUIDE TO DATING GREATNESS! (please use wisely)

You'll have to first excuse the potentially messy layout of the following plan as I have been off your market for a couple years now so these methods have just been marinating on top of each other in the same bottle for a while and I'm just gonna pour it all out into one big sloppy glass for you to sort the flavors out on your own.

I wanna kick this shit off by pointing out you spineless little hopeless romantics who hand their giant beating heart off to any random bitch that's willing to hold a conversation with you. You're setting yourself up for failure, man. You walk around with your feelings held out in front of you all the time and you're risking all kinds of bad shit happening to them. Think of your heart as your social security number. You don't wanna give that shit to anybody unless it's absolutely necessary and you certainly don't want the shit advertised on your silly-ass eager face in the hopes that someone special will just come up & give you a home loan. Why not? BECAUSE BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN TO YOU, YOU DUMBFUCK! Everybody gets their heart broken at some point and I'd be lying if I said it never happened to me. I learn from experience. What doesn't kill you, bitch. Do the same. Toughen up that skin, boy-o. I hate hearin about you soggy sad sap motherfuckers that get fresh out of a relationship & run straight out there tryin to hunt down THE ONE again. STOP THAT SHIT!! If you keep hunting hard for a diamond in a shit storm long enough, you'll start flippin out for anything shiny & it's just a matter of time before you start polishing a used condom wrapper. You keep tryin to hunt down that wife & you're gonna find yourself tryin to make something out of the first pretty bitch that agrees to a second outing with your soggy droolin ass. I say again...STOP THAT SHIT!! It sounds like some cheesy fuckin chick-flick line, but the best ones come along when you're not even trying. It sounds cliché, but I promise it's true, unless you're willing to change to the point of becoming someone else so that your square ass can fit in with that bitch's round slots. The right one is probably out there...blah blah blah...but I want you to take my hand and follow me along on the road to that queen...and there's gonna be a whole lot of sluts along the way, so tread carefully with your eyes open, baby boy, and most importantly, have fun with these skanks, goddammit. Your life is not Dawson's Creek so stop turning your boring life into an overly dramatic fagfest. Ok.Ready? Here we go, my son...

First, I need you to think of a blanket on a warm night. You don't want to sleep without the blanket & it's too damn hot to get all hunkered down in it, but just a little corner won't be enough. You need a happy medium, right? YOU'RE THAT BLANKET. I'll elaborate on this more in a little bit, but stay with me here for a second. Think of that target bitch (from here on out, target bitches will be referred to as "marks") goin to bed on a warm night. Don't just wrap your dumb ass around her right away! You're gonna smother that Mark, and then what's she gonna do? She's gonna kick your ass off! That's right. You fucked up. She's frustrated. You're out. But if you give her a little less than that, she's gonna get all nice and comfy with you & then she's gonna do whatever the fuck she wants. You just became a door mat. Have fun getting walked on until it's time to replace you. So what do you do then? You imagine laying in bed with someone who is a complete blanket hog & only allows you to get a little corner. What do you do all night long? You struggle to get more of that blanket til morning. You even tug on it in your sleep without knowing it. You subconsciously NEED more of that blanket. Despite the fact that you KNOW you won't get more, you still try. BE THAT BLANKET! Just give that Mark a taste of what's there & always leave that bitch needing more whether she knows it or not. Let me explain.

Nice guys finish last. "But, Ol' Uncle Adam, we've heard that before." NO SHIT, YOU HAVE! Cuz I'm not the first motherfucker to realize it! You ever hear the expression "A rolling stone gathers a shit ton of moss?" Fuck no, you haven't cuz the shit ain't fuckin true, goddammit. Now shut the fuck up and pay attention. Sure, the nice guy gets is dream girl some of the time, but we're not fishin for bitches at a church social here. We're playin a grown-folk's game. You need to take that heart of yours and bury it deep down somewhere safe where nobody can find it. You're a smooth motherfucker without a care in the world, baby. If you're fresh out of a relationship, you need to hit the bar. That's where you're gonna find an easy slab of sweet rebound poon and I'm gonna tell you how I was able to trick some of em into bein repeats on command. And while we're on the subject of bars, DO NOT LET YOUR GUARD DOWN & START PLAYING HOUSE WITH THESE BAR BITCHES!!! NO!!! Bitches that you bed from the bar are not wifey bound. You fucked her after meeting her at a bar. She is a whore and don't you forget it! Anyway... You turn that radar on and find your mark. Have money? Ok. Buying her a drink is a good ice breaker. Not a lot of money? Buy a pitcher and make a funny comment to her making fun of somebody else in the bar. If she laughs, offer to share your pitcher & ask for another glass. You're in. Don't be shy. If you are shy, take a shot or two before the drink buying. Loosen up. After you and this dumb bitch share a giggle, that should get the conversation ball rolling. What should you talk about? LIES. LIE. LIE. LIE!!! Lie about yourself. Nothing too extravagant. Make it believable. Know your lie front and back. Be a logger. Be a firefighter. Be anything manly. Be anything that makes money. Just do your homework in case any questions are asked or make it overly complicated so no questions are asked. Google is your friend! For instance, when I was unemployed in Sacramento, my lie was that I was possibly facing lay-off and expecting a decent payout from a class-action lawsuit while working at a company in Lincoln, CA called American Poly-Therm. Oh, wow. What's that place? "Well, we're a manufacturer of composite parts for aerospace and defense as well as sporting goods, medical, electronic, light and heavy rail, and safety industries. We utilize compression molding, transfer molding, hand lay-up, tape wrapping, roll wrapping, pressure forming processes and all kinds of stuff. I don't do anything special though. I work for a department subcontracted by the government to build seating brackets for basically every aircraft in the Western United States." Pretty good, right? FUCK YEAH, IT'S GOOD! Who would make something like that up? Me, and they ate that shit up every fucking time! Swear to god. And I threw in the "possible lay-off" just in case she becomes a rerun so that me never being at work doesn't become an issue and then unemployment can come into play later on to smooth the lie out. Also, if you don't like her and she becomes a barnacle, you still have a demanding job  to use as a blow-off excuse. You're not worried about being unemployed for now anyway thanks to the lawsuit. Boom. After that, the night will unfold itself. If that bitch doesn't fuck you that night, forget her. She's not worth it. Find a new mark tomorrow. Tomorrow's a new day and so is the next, and that still holds true even if she does. Rack em up. Also, if she turns you down for a hump sesh, that's where the lying actually helps protect you. Rejection doesn't hurt as bad when the mark is rejecting a fake person. The shit doesn't hurt because it really has nothing to do with you since she actually has no idea who you really are. See? Heart protected in that hole you dug before you left and we're still rollin. Wait for that bitch to leave and make fun of all her flaws to your friends. You're better than that bitch anyway. Hell, you work at American Poly-Therm!

Now, if you do get this cat in the bag, you're gonna have to leave at some point. Your place? Hers? Hers preferably to find out more about this chick and if you go to your place, you run the risk of having a possible psycho knowing where you live, but it doesn't really matter. But you're a responsible guy. You've been drinking. You can't drive. This leaves you with two options: Her car, or a cab. If she wants to drive, cool. Let her catch a DUI. You don't know this slut. Walk out to her car. Is it nice? Bonus! Is it not so nice? That's okay too. But what if she opts for the cab? Walk out there. Ask if she drove. She'll either say she doesn't have a car or she'll instinctively say something about her car and point to it. Is it nice? Bonus! Then comes the sex. Yeah! Remember that this bitch is hotter than that cunt that left you! Reclaim revenge points on behalf of men everywhere. You're awesome. I won't go into style or form. Everybody's got there own thing. If you wanna get weird though, get weird, just don't do it expecting her to repeat. If you wanna enlist her in your building harem of hoes, don't be selfish. Make the first one with her be about her. That move will help you in the long run for repeats if you want it. You only have to be the generous lover this time though. I'll explain why in a little bit. Anyway, be generous &, more often than not, you'll sleep there. Wake up the next morning. Be distant. You don't normally do this. Be cool though. Collected. You want another go? Get her number (if you don't already have it) & suggest that you guys should "hang-out" [whenever. your call]. Kiss. Leave. "HANG-OUT?" What's that? That's a blanket corner, bitch. The term "hang-out" or "kick-it" is so vague that curiosity to its meaning will make her need to pull on that blanket corner to find out if the rest is warm or not. What kind of blanket are you? She doesn't know, but she needs to find out! That fishy's on the hook, son. You just copped an almost sure-fire rerun. You were such a generous lover last night, but now you're so distant. Did she do something? Is it because you don't normally do stuff like this? She'll need to let you know she's not a slut. She'll prove it to you by seeing you again. If you don't get a text within 24 hours of leaving, she's nasty. She does this all the time. Get a blood & urine test stat.

Did we make it to round two? Awesome, son. You're doing great! Wait, you're not falling for this slut, are you? YOU FUCKIN BETTER NOT BE! Remember, not only did you find this mark at a bar, but you fucked her on the first night you met her. This woman is a whore and don't you forget it! Keep that heart hidden, grasshopper. Besides, even if you are gettin feelings, you lied all about yourself. What are you gonna do now? Nothin. That lie was a preventative measure to protect that heart we buried earlier. So keep your fuckin head in the game, pussy! So, alright. Round Two! You're the man. Meet her at a bar again. Drinking makes everything fun, but most people have deeper issues they're trying to drown. No? Don't believe me? You just got out of a relationship, you're heartbroken, and now your taking out the frustration by emotionally victimizing a stranger. See? Told you. That's ok though. Leave that baggage with your heart. This bitch has her own and second date drunk conversations will probably open that up soon. You were so generous and sensual last night. In her dumb bitch head, that means she can trust you now to a certain extent for some fuckin reason. Right on. You don't have to be Mr. Sensitive, but probe her with questions about her. Bitches love talking about themselves. You don't even need to pay attention. Just listen for names and bulletpoints to bring up later and show that you listen. She shoots some back at you? Make shit up. Just remember your lies for now. They may come back up later. After a while, she'll open up & reveal some of her insecurities. Every bitch has em. Remember what a funny guy you were last night making fun of that dude? So does she. Make some subtle jabs at her weknesses. Nothing too offensive. She knows you're a funny guy and she'll laugh, maybe jokingly say "ugh! OMG! You're so meeeean!" and push on your shoulder or some dumb cutesy bullshit. Deep down though, that shit kinda hurt. She may not even realize it, but that jab just took a little bite out of her subconsciously. Tease her about something she's wearing. Boom. That's the old one-two. Now, the curveball. Rub her thigh & say something nice about her. Nothing too romantic. Compliment her makeup or hair or something superficial, but sound sincere. Have a serious face now. Bitches love that shit & since she's a whore that fucked you on the first night, she's probably really shallow & superficial & compliments like that will boost her. She has no idea what to think now, but you know that you just emotionally beat her down into a soft malleable putty & then easily molded her to your liking. Pretend to go in for a kiss and when she starts to oblige, fake-out & look away. Laugh about it in a mockingly condescending way. What's going on? She has no idea, but you're in total control. You may come across a few bitches that won't put up with those games regardless of how you fuck, but bitches with self-respect have no place in the process of you regaining your manhood. Forget them. Moving on. Now, take this retard away from here & take her back to pound town, but this time, you're free to do whatever you want. She knows your potential. If you just go to get yours this time, that's fine. For one, she'll think you have variety and that's exciting. How else does he do it? She'll have to find out. Secondly, if the way you treated her tonight still kept her around, she's a self-loathing wreck & that first generous encounter will be like her first hit of heroin & no matter how you perform from now on, she'll keep coming back, at least for a while, in hopes of getting the feeling of that first high again. Was your second night a success? You make me proud and it's pretty much safe to say that you now have this puppy on a leash. Now it's time to spread her out to less frequent encounters to make time for other puppies & extracurricular mark hunting/recruitment and then wash, rinse, repeat. Over time, make them even less and less frequent so that when you finally drop her, it won't be such a devastating blow. If they start expecting a break over time, you lower the risk of an uncomfortable public blowout or, in some cases, even stalking. Not to say that it won't happen! Chicks are crazy. There's no telling they'll do. In my experience, preparing them betters your odds though.

Congratulations, player! You're almost a pro in the game! Unfortunately, I haven't given you every detail to how I used to work it, but that's ok because you're not me. This is basically just the frame of a house I built over time. It's up to you to mold your own technique to match your personality & spackle in the gaps with your own style. I gave you the primary basics though and if you made it to the final steps successfully, you'll find that you've probably grown a little stronger emotionally. After a while, you won't have to lie so much because you'll be a little more emotionally prepared to protect yourself from attaching yourself to these bitches and getting your sad little soggy heart broken so easily. Once you feel that tougher skin grown in, you'll be ready to put yourself out there & find the real one by venturing your real self out there AWAY FROM THE BAR! Remember, just because you're stronger now, doesn't mean those bar bitches aren't still sluts. Don't stop leaving your heart at home until you know for a fact you're ready though. Don't fool yourself. It's still just as private as your social security number. Take it from me, I've been heartbroken more than a couple times, I developed this method with a very high success rate, got it all out of my system, and now I'm almost 2½ years deep with the love of my life. I can also say with confidence that if [god forbid] anything were to happen to the life we've built together, sure, it'll hurt like a motherfucker, it'll be devastating, but I'm now better prepared to manage the pain and stay focused if I need to.

I want to wrap this up by saying that I didn't choose to write this with the intention of disrespecting any women. I promise. I wrote this because I'm sick and tired of constantly reading on Facebook about another dude getting his sad little heart broken over some chick again and then reading on to watch the progression of their sappy fuckin depression evolving over the following weeks on a public forum for all the world to see. I wrote this with the hopes of helping these sniveling little wieners get a fucking grip & learn how to fucking deal with themselves. To learn how to man the fuck up & move forward. To not cry to the world, but to vent by way of a fun little social game. Ok, it may be at the expense of a few others, but I'm talking about barflies here. They'll get over it & if it's for the purpose of helping at least one young man find his balls, I'd say that sacrificing the "dignity" of a few sluts along the way is well worth it.

No comments:

Post a Comment